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Continuing unhealed hurts often stand in the way of a relationship becoming whole and satisfying. In a committed relationship, where you hope to finally be understood, nourished and supported, your partner’s words and/or behavior triggers you inexplicably into your old pain. Your relationship becomes uncomfortable as it challenges you to acknowledge and heal the unwitnessed hurth that you’ve been carrying. It is your inner child’s wounds—those parts of you that have been resigned to never having healed—that cry out for acceptance and love.
Patricia speaks on her work with couples, “In helping a couple bring in the banished child parts, we create the context for allowing the relationship to work its healing power. We build a structure that encourages and allows the expression of compassion. At the core is the act of witnessing—truly knowing each other and ourselves. This enables acceptance and nurturance to occur. And this is essential—because when you continue to protect your heart from being hurt, you prevent yourself from getting the love and healing you want and need.”
There is a profound well of skills, abilities, wisdom, and grace that a couple can learn to draw on. It exists within each individual, and it exists as a common resource for each couple: a shared well whose riches can be cultivated in the context of therapy sessions.
In therapy couples learn to recognize that we have all become separated from our own innate wisdom and power. We have all been victims of a culture that teaches us to not believe in ourselves, and that doesn’t teach the skills of being in relationship. We’ve endured less-than-skillful teaching, a lack of respect, and too much debilitating criticism.
We think that the failure is within us. Each of have developed a survival system in order to carry on. Then we get stuck in that system, believe that system, and think we are that system. We no longer recognize the difference between our personality and the essential Self.
“One of the way that I can help re-establish the connection with the deepwell of resources is to act as a guide for each partner in understanding themselves as well as the other. With a base of complete and respectful support for each person, each can then begin to have a compassionate understanding of the other, and that goes a long way toward making the healing process real. One tool that I have found to be particularly effective in this process is the Enneagram.”
The Enneagram is a system of identifying and understanding personality styles or types. An individuals personality can be understood more effectively, more deeply through the use of the Enneagram. The Enneagram teaches how different people pay attention to and interact with themselves, others, and the world. It illuminates the different strengths, weaknesses, skills, deep wants and needs, fears, and relationship issues of each Enneatype. As a result, couples are helped to learn and heal with more compassion and ease.
The are of relating is so much more than just surviving. Instead of cultivating our survival systems, we need to regain our vulnerability and fall in love with ourselves again. Then we may also truly touch the other.
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